Elmo Attacker Doosh

The lovable, baby monster, Elmo, is getting a lot of press recently -- from being pulled from Sesame Street due to Katy Perry's revealing costume to getting attacked in a strip mall just yesterday. This agitated customer and alleged Elmo attacker needs to pick on someone his own age! As Elmo would say, "Elmo is three and a half." Here's what transpired on Sesame Street just before the attack.

Big Bird: Chief, What's The Red Furry thing at the top of the Ladder?
Chief Kirby: What red furry thing?
Gordon: [They find Elmo at the top of the ladder] Hey! Hey Elmo, How Did you get up there?
Elmo: Look Mr. Chief! Look Everybody! Elmo is a Firefighter!
Gordon: Elmo Get down from there now!
Elmo: Oh Jeeze.

Online Dating Doosh

Okay, okay. I know that the title of the post is redundant, but I am on a dating site too, which proves (if you know me) that there are normal people that participate. But, this post is NOT about normal online dating, this post is about the ridiculousness that goes on in cyberspace and the ridiculousness of human beings looking for love. Let's take a gander at his profile, shall we?

Problem 1: His date proposal says "How about we...A Lobster rolls," which makes me ask, "how does one 'a lobster rolls'? Did you mean make lobster rolls, eat lobster rolls, roll in lobster rolls? Come on, buddy. You are already getting to ask a woman out anonymously via status update, you can take the time to form a complete sentence.

Problem 2: Under the date details column on the right side, he selected "Museums and Galleries" for Category. Oh, silly me! You meant "How about we...see paintings and sculptures of lobster rolls."

Problem 3: He answered "My first date with a woman" for "A story you should remind me to tell you." Was this a recent thing? Did you just switch over to dating women? This is a tad ambiguous for my taste. I personally would rather hear your story about your first date with a man and then go to the Top Shop sale.

Problem 4: He answered "Celin Dion" for "My first concert." See problem 3.

Problem 5: He answered "Dunno yet" for "My dream concert.” Does this mean you have no dreams and/or you don’t listen to music? Do you have a soul?

Problem 6: He answered “Just me myself and I” for “What I would bring to show and tell.” First of all, you are referring to yourself as a ‘what.’ Does this mean that you are a robot or alien life form created or sent from above to torture all of humanity one puckered lip at a time?

Problem 7: He answered “Inner beauty” for “An infatuation of mine.” See profile photo. Sure, dude, and that’s why you posted a shirtless photo of yourself that looks like a 1993 Village Voice personals ad.

I could go on and on, but I’ll just let Online Dating Doosh sum it up for you (email below was sent to my friend, not me)