The Killer Doosh

So, my friend M went on a date recently that was one of the best (as in worst) ones I've heard in a while. If I was a paleontologist this was my T-Rex. M was set up with a rare species of Doosh; one that I cannot label using existing nomenclature. Hummmm? This brilliant discovery is worthy of a new name...introducing...The Killer Doosh.

Killer Doosh [kil-er doooooooooooo-sh]

-noun

1. A person who goes in for the kill at the end of the night who manages to kill everything else up until that point.

The definition pretty much sums it up, but from M's perspective, this guy was quite the opposite of the chivalrous Italian man that makes women swoon. He shows up late, talks too much about himself, stares at the check for 10 minutes, asks my friend if she can pitch-in, amongst a mountain of other atrocities. And, after all of that, he goes in for "the kill" two times, propositions sex (which M decidedly declines) and leaves her on the street corner in the middle of the night. We've all said it. All together now...WHAT A DOOSH!

Dooshquest Top 10 2010

I have been lackadaisical in my dooshquest efforts lately, but have no fear, I've been doing recon work along the way. I have casually dated, hooked-up, fallen in love, revisited old flames, and gotten over someone all in one year.

How could all of that happen, and yet I am still as single as it f*cking gets? **Sign** Eh, who really gives a rats ass, right? To each his own.

Speaking of "to each HIS own," let's reflect on the behaviors of these men who have come and gone from my life over the last 12-months. Truthfully, I've never wanted to use this blog to bash the men with whom I spend my life -- regardless of how flippant or serious the relationship. So with that in mind, it's all in good fun, and here's my Top 10 list of the dooshiest behaviors (that I can recall). Love you guys!

10. Flirt with another woman when you are two feet away from me.

9. Continue to snooze in MY bed as I leave for work.

8. Get way more drunk than me on the first date.

7. Suggest bathroom sex as positive alternative to bunk beds/roommates.

6. Show me photos of your mom and ex-girlfriend on the first date.

5. Insist I visit you in a foreign country, and then bail once I purchase my flight.

4. Think that exhaustion spawned by a 24-hour poker game is a legit excuse for breaking a date.

3. Say good-bye via text message and move to another country.

2. Own Crocs.

1. Speak Spanish as a first language.

Discretionary Doosh

The following was submitted by my close friend, Grande ChiChis. It is the perfect example of how certain dooshes (no matter what) test the waters to see if they still got it. I know there is nothing wrong with checking out the opposite sex, but please, I ask, "Can we do it with discretion?"

This doosh behavior happened on Friday afternoon in mid-town Manhattan:

Today I was at the deli, and this hot 30-ish guy walks up nexts to me, looks me up and down, gives me a coy smile, and I smile back.

Then this [other] guy walks up to him and says "heyyyyy mannnn!!!!!!!!! Congrats, DUDE! I heard you got engaged this weekend!!!"

Me: "F*CKING PERFECT!" and I walked off...