Teenage Hearthrob Dooshes

I was home sick yesterday watching the VMA's on MTV.com, since I missed them in June. (I admit – I was desperate.) All of a sudden, Zac Efron pops onto the stage to present "Best Use of Hair Gel in an Action Film" (or something like that), and it occurred to me that Leto is Efron, Efron is Leto. Eek!

I will point out, although needlessly, both acted in shows about high school that were very different in circumstance. When I was an adolescent, I was getting a female boner for Jordan Catalano, the depressed, flannel wearing, loner, and 10 years later girls everywhere were singing and dancing for the happy-go-lucky, football player, Troy Bolton. They look exactly the same, but their characters were completely different. This makes me question, did I like Jordan Catalano because he was really hot, despite that fact that he was kind of a jerk face? And, would I have liked Troy Bolton because he was really hot, despite the fact that he was flamboyant and overzealous about show tunes?

Each gave middle-school ages girls a reason to get up in the morning and each have progressively gotten dooshier as they get older. Mr. Leto is the lead singer of a ridiculous band and wear’s more eyeliner than I do, while Mr. Efron is walking deeper and deeper into the closet with a roster of films that’s just waiting to be fulfilled my the next Nicholas Sparks movie. These guys couldn't be more different on paper, but all the while, they seem more and more the same. Is Justin Beiber next in line?


I think we might have a winner, folks!

Photos: list.co.uk, backseatcuddler.co, macuha.com,

Elmo Attacker Doosh

The lovable, baby monster, Elmo, is getting a lot of press recently -- from being pulled from Sesame Street due to Katy Perry's revealing costume to getting attacked in a strip mall just yesterday. This agitated customer and alleged Elmo attacker needs to pick on someone his own age! As Elmo would say, "Elmo is three and a half." Here's what transpired on Sesame Street just before the attack.

Big Bird: Chief, What's The Red Furry thing at the top of the Ladder?
Chief Kirby: What red furry thing?
Gordon: [They find Elmo at the top of the ladder] Hey! Hey Elmo, How Did you get up there?
Elmo: Look Mr. Chief! Look Everybody! Elmo is a Firefighter!
Gordon: Elmo Get down from there now!
Elmo: Oh Jeeze.

Online Dating Doosh

Okay, okay. I know that the title of the post is redundant, but I am on a dating site too, which proves (if you know me) that there are normal people that participate. But, this post is NOT about normal online dating, this post is about the ridiculousness that goes on in cyberspace and the ridiculousness of human beings looking for love. Let's take a gander at his profile, shall we?

Problem 1: His date proposal says "How about we...A Lobster rolls," which makes me ask, "how does one 'a lobster rolls'? Did you mean make lobster rolls, eat lobster rolls, roll in lobster rolls? Come on, buddy. You are already getting to ask a woman out anonymously via status update, you can take the time to form a complete sentence.

Problem 2: Under the date details column on the right side, he selected "Museums and Galleries" for Category. Oh, silly me! You meant "How about we...see paintings and sculptures of lobster rolls."

Problem 3: He answered "My first date with a woman" for "A story you should remind me to tell you." Was this a recent thing? Did you just switch over to dating women? This is a tad ambiguous for my taste. I personally would rather hear your story about your first date with a man and then go to the Top Shop sale.

Problem 4: He answered "Celin Dion" for "My first concert." See problem 3.

Problem 5: He answered "Dunno yet" for "My dream concert.” Does this mean you have no dreams and/or you don’t listen to music? Do you have a soul?

Problem 6: He answered “Just me myself and I” for “What I would bring to show and tell.” First of all, you are referring to yourself as a ‘what.’ Does this mean that you are a robot or alien life form created or sent from above to torture all of humanity one puckered lip at a time?

Problem 7: He answered “Inner beauty” for “An infatuation of mine.” See profile photo. Sure, dude, and that’s why you posted a shirtless photo of yourself that looks like a 1993 Village Voice personals ad.

I could go on and on, but I’ll just let Online Dating Doosh sum it up for you (email below was sent to my friend, not me)

Polite. Doosh.

If, in the courtship phase, you find yourself sending thoughtful presents in the mail, talking on the phone daily, and making special trips to see your significant other and there is no intention of maintaining these efforts, then you are setting a binding precedent that will doom you in the end. My advice, "Polite Doosh," is you better just stop before your lady figures it out on her own and see if you still stand a chance. Those small things are not "being polite" but are...uh...required.

Doosh in the Closet

I found this article on CNN.com today. To quote a good friend of mine, "ridickles." This guy is most certainly a doosh. Doosh in the closet.

The Killer Doosh

So, my friend M went on a date recently that was one of the best (as in worst) ones I've heard in a while. If I was a paleontologist this was my T-Rex. M was set up with a rare species of Doosh; one that I cannot label using existing nomenclature. Hummmm? This brilliant discovery is worthy of a new name...introducing...The Killer Doosh.

Killer Doosh [kil-er doooooooooooo-sh]

-noun

1. A person who goes in for the kill at the end of the night who manages to kill everything else up until that point.

The definition pretty much sums it up, but from M's perspective, this guy was quite the opposite of the chivalrous Italian man that makes women swoon. He shows up late, talks too much about himself, stares at the check for 10 minutes, asks my friend if she can pitch-in, amongst a mountain of other atrocities. And, after all of that, he goes in for "the kill" two times, propositions sex (which M decidedly declines) and leaves her on the street corner in the middle of the night. We've all said it. All together now...WHAT A DOOSH!

Dooshquest Top 10 2010

I have been lackadaisical in my dooshquest efforts lately, but have no fear, I've been doing recon work along the way. I have casually dated, hooked-up, fallen in love, revisited old flames, and gotten over someone all in one year.

How could all of that happen, and yet I am still as single as it f*cking gets? **Sign** Eh, who really gives a rats ass, right? To each his own.

Speaking of "to each HIS own," let's reflect on the behaviors of these men who have come and gone from my life over the last 12-months. Truthfully, I've never wanted to use this blog to bash the men with whom I spend my life -- regardless of how flippant or serious the relationship. So with that in mind, it's all in good fun, and here's my Top 10 list of the dooshiest behaviors (that I can recall). Love you guys!

10. Flirt with another woman when you are two feet away from me.

9. Continue to snooze in MY bed as I leave for work.

8. Get way more drunk than me on the first date.

7. Suggest bathroom sex as positive alternative to bunk beds/roommates.

6. Show me photos of your mom and ex-girlfriend on the first date.

5. Insist I visit you in a foreign country, and then bail once I purchase my flight.

4. Think that exhaustion spawned by a 24-hour poker game is a legit excuse for breaking a date.

3. Say good-bye via text message and move to another country.

2. Own Crocs.

1. Speak Spanish as a first language.

Discretionary Doosh

The following was submitted by my close friend, Grande ChiChis. It is the perfect example of how certain dooshes (no matter what) test the waters to see if they still got it. I know there is nothing wrong with checking out the opposite sex, but please, I ask, "Can we do it with discretion?"

This doosh behavior happened on Friday afternoon in mid-town Manhattan:

Today I was at the deli, and this hot 30-ish guy walks up nexts to me, looks me up and down, gives me a coy smile, and I smile back.

Then this [other] guy walks up to him and says "heyyyyy mannnn!!!!!!!!! Congrats, DUDE! I heard you got engaged this weekend!!!"

Me: "F*CKING PERFECT!" and I walked off...

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the ultimate doosh

It has got to be wyclef jean.

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