Homophobic Macaroni Doosh

Boycott savvy businessman Guido Barilla and his line of noodles.

You think you look cool, but...

You don't.

I am writing to introduce you to the Hand in Pocket (HiP) Doosh. You all know this guy. He is the one who does every presentation like he were on the set of MadMen. Calmly cool, but churning on the inside. Angry that your work is better than his, but acting like you are besties. Hand in one pocket for the whole presentation, doing God knows what, while he gesticulates wildly to make sure everyone is absolutely certain that he is in the room.

My particular HiP doosh wasn't happy being that guy. He had to add in the Wannabe Air Traffic Controller Doosh. In this scenario the HiPster takes his right hand out of his right pocket momentarily to make wild hand gestures to make a point. Knees bent, you expect him to pull out a pom pom next. It is especially fun to ask him a question and see if he can repeat the cheerleading moves in exact sequence a second time.

Warning: This doosh is not known to produce original work. He is known to stand at the front of the room and act like he contributed to yours. The good news is that this doosh is not really harmful and can be rather entertaining providing your tolerance for annoyance is quite high. 

Delayed Doosh

You'd have to be living under a rock not to hear the nationwide frustration about the Olympics being broadcast on NBC via a 6 hour tape delay. In this environment of 24/7 access and real-time communication it is near impossible to tune in at night without knowing the result. The anticipation is gone. I'm only watching to see if we can out medal China, and I don't even need to watch for that.

How was such a half-baked decision made? Well, leave it to my good friend and colleague Chris to scour media in his native UK to find the answer. http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2184410/Jim-Bell-The-man-NBCs-delayed-Olympics-coverage.html. We have an smug looking dude named Jim Bell to thank for our tape delay. Apparently Jim has never heard of the Internet. Or Smart Phones. Or social media. Mr. Bell, might I suggest you get out of the basement of NBC headquarters and meander down the street to your nearest Apple store and check things out.

Anyway, Jim Bell cites financial concerns as his reason for delaying the broadcast. Sure the Olympics are big business, but they are also an opportunity for a nation to rally together and take pride in our performance. If that is not worthy of being broadcast real-time, I don't know what is.

Thank you Chris for the topic suggestion, and thank you Jim Bell for giving me something to write about.

The dooshy guys in green shirts with all those kids

Why do people with a gazillion kids bring the kids to a pub for dinner. Take last weekend for instance. After kayaking all day, eight of us went to a nice pub for dinner. We ask for a table of 8 which the restaurant had a hard time accommodating because there was a large reservation on the books. We negotiate a table and sit down, psyched to chill, throw back a few adult beverages, and watch the Olympics. All was going fine until two guys in green shirts showed up with a few chicks and a gazillion kids. Literally there was a two to one kid to adult ratio.

So the gang of 20 sits down and orders chicken fingers and chocolate milk all around. The screaming kids weren't even the biggest problem. To top it off, the dooshy guys in green shirts were Olympic know-it-alls. Every sport, every athlete, every score - these guys knew it all. It must be nice to be so smart!

So we finished our dinner, paid our bill, said goodbye to all those kids and went back to the camp to relax in peace.

Blow this damn thing up!

And stick that bronze finger right up Jerry Sandusky's @ss!

Penn State trustees held a news conference today. This quote that was reported on MSNBC really makes me wonder what they are thinking. From MSNBC, "The whole topic of Joe Paterno being honored or not being honored is a very sensitive topic," said Karen B. Peetz, a banker and chairman of the board. "We believe this is something that will continue to be discussed." 

Seriously? Further discussion is warranted?

Define Color

Thanks Gawker (via KM) for the robust content for a post today. Apparently the phrase "women of color" means something different in Utah than it does in the rest of the country. And man, the women with brown hair at that pub must be discriminated against. Based on their methodology I am now an African-American woman given I am wearing black today.

Enough said.

"At least I have a truck" doosh

We visited my mom last week with my brother and his kids. It was really fun to spend time with them as they are so freakin' cute, although they did drive Miss Maddie crazy. The one low spot of the trip was our visit to Wild Waters Water Park in Ocala. We thought this would be a fun day in the sun with pools, water slides and other water rides. I should have known we were going to be disappointed when we met the doosh in the truck.

Pulling into the park was a challenge - the line for parking was 35-45 minutes long with the line spilling at least two blocks into the highway. We waited patiently, inching closer to the park. All of a sudden a pick-up speeds by and swoops into the park, just as we turned in. They then tried to pull in front of my Mom and Bill, who didn't let them. She then tried to pull in front of us, and Rob wouldn't let her. She started pointing her finger and yelling, so I rolled down the window and let her know that we waited in line and so could she. She yelled back, I yelled back, closed the window and continued inching into the park.

Rob drove to the entrance to drop me off with the kids so he could go park. The truck followed us and the white trash driving starts yelling at us that we have anger management problems. I replied something to the effect that, "whoa, you are tough like a man in your pick-up truck." She responds, "at least I have a truck." Seriously? Saving up for the down payment for a chevy pick-up truck is your life's goal? We all know that the payment probably caused her to default on the rent on her double-wide. She then proceeded to yell at Rob and tell him that she wasn't afraid of him (she should have been), and then started yelling at my brother too. What a whack job. My only regret is that I didn't take a photo so you could see what the nut case looked like.

Fast forward a half hour - the screaming has stopped, the doosh with a truck is in the park, as are we. I am taking my niece to the bathroom (mind you it is 11am) and who do I see coming out of the bar (in the water park.)? Yup, the doosh.  Note she had no kids with her. Who goes to a rundown water park alone, to drink?

Unfortunately this experience was indicative of the day. Wild Waters is a dump, most of the rides were closed, the teenagers running the place were unsupervised, and we left after long. As my brother said, if you have tattoos before you turn 13, you'll be right at home there.

Dead douche (should have gone to the cops)

Sorry, Football cultists...

So many dooshy people, so little time

I think it is time to reinstate this blog. Every day the news delivers a new doosh to post about and there are quite a few circling closer to home as well. I thought Bernie Madoff took the cake for BIGGEST. DOOSH. EVER. but sadly I was wrong. That honor now belongs to Jerry Sandusky.

Biggest. Doosh. Ever.

Speaking of Jer, why do they have him on suicide watch? I say, throw him in a cell and give him all the tools he needs - rope, a knife, pills, some booze, hell give him a loaded shotgun. If we are all lucky he will have the job done by morning. Spare the taxpayers the time and trouble of another trial, the victims the pain of reliving their abuse, and all of us the disgust of having to read about him every day. All together now, for Jer, an appropriate song by Limp Bizkit.

And for the other dooshy people - and you know who you are - we're watching.

It's a doosh-off!

"I'm pretty sure there's a lot more to life than being really, really, ridiculously good looking. And I plan on finding out what that is." Derek Zoolander






Photos via GQ.com.

$500,000 Doosh

Excerpt from Ferris Beuller's Day Off:

Boy in Police Station (Sheen): Drugs?
Jeannie: Thank you, no. I'm straight.
Boy in Police Station: I meant, are you in here for drugs?
Jeannie: Why are you here?
Boy in Police Station: Drugs.

I am thinking of renaming the blog Charlie Sheen Quest considering the amount of resources we have on this guy. We haven't been able to report on the likes of Spencer Pratt, Bruno Mars, Randy Quaid, Andy Dick, OR Nicole 'Snooki' Polizzi in the last year due to the amount of dooshiness externalized by Sheen. As of today, RadarOnline.com reported that before he checked into rehab "Charlie Sheen spent more than $500,000 on escorts and drugs in the six months..." Phew! We don't have to change the name of the blog now, well, at least for another 3-months. "I just didn't believe I was like everybody else. I thought I was unique," said Sheen. Indeed!

Photo via shockya.com.

Plagiary Doosh

Content is shared over the blogosphere time and time again, which is encouraged by buttons to "Share This," "Digg," and "Tweet" nearly every post and article on the web these days. Sharing and repurposing content is perfectly legit if sourced correctly, and no one should know that better than an editor of a authoritative, popular magazine. Gawker reported today that Dave Zinczenko of Men's Health plagiarized his own writers for his Yahoo! blog. Before I even read the article, I said, "all you have to do is Google the damn language and find the duplicates." In fact, that is exactly what the Gawker guys did.

Dave, are there no more new ideas out there? Or, are you just plain lazy? I certainly hope it's the latter. Check out more about this story on Gawker.com.

Teenage Hearthrob Dooshes

I was home sick yesterday watching the VMA's on MTV.com, since I missed them in June. (I admit – I was desperate.) All of a sudden, Zac Efron pops onto the stage to present "Best Use of Hair Gel in an Action Film" (or something like that), and it occurred to me that Leto is Efron, Efron is Leto. Eek!

I will point out, although needlessly, both acted in shows about high school that were very different in circumstance. When I was an adolescent, I was getting a female boner for Jordan Catalano, the depressed, flannel wearing, loner, and 10 years later girls everywhere were singing and dancing for the happy-go-lucky, football player, Troy Bolton. They look exactly the same, but their characters were completely different. This makes me question, did I like Jordan Catalano because he was really hot, despite that fact that he was kind of a jerk face? And, would I have liked Troy Bolton because he was really hot, despite the fact that he was flamboyant and overzealous about show tunes?

Each gave middle-school ages girls a reason to get up in the morning and each have progressively gotten dooshier as they get older. Mr. Leto is the lead singer of a ridiculous band and wear’s more eyeliner than I do, while Mr. Efron is walking deeper and deeper into the closet with a roster of films that’s just waiting to be fulfilled my the next Nicholas Sparks movie. These guys couldn't be more different on paper, but all the while, they seem more and more the same. Is Justin Beiber next in line?


I think we might have a winner, folks!

Photos: list.co.uk, backseatcuddler.co, macuha.com,

Elmo Attacker Doosh

The lovable, baby monster, Elmo, is getting a lot of press recently -- from being pulled from Sesame Street due to Katy Perry's revealing costume to getting attacked in a strip mall just yesterday. This agitated customer and alleged Elmo attacker needs to pick on someone his own age! As Elmo would say, "Elmo is three and a half." Here's what transpired on Sesame Street just before the attack.

Big Bird: Chief, What's The Red Furry thing at the top of the Ladder?
Chief Kirby: What red furry thing?
Gordon: [They find Elmo at the top of the ladder] Hey! Hey Elmo, How Did you get up there?
Elmo: Look Mr. Chief! Look Everybody! Elmo is a Firefighter!
Gordon: Elmo Get down from there now!
Elmo: Oh Jeeze.

Online Dating Doosh

Okay, okay. I know that the title of the post is redundant, but I am on a dating site too, which proves (if you know me) that there are normal people that participate. But, this post is NOT about normal online dating, this post is about the ridiculousness that goes on in cyberspace and the ridiculousness of human beings looking for love. Let's take a gander at his profile, shall we?

Problem 1: His date proposal says "How about we...A Lobster rolls," which makes me ask, "how does one 'a lobster rolls'? Did you mean make lobster rolls, eat lobster rolls, roll in lobster rolls? Come on, buddy. You are already getting to ask a woman out anonymously via status update, you can take the time to form a complete sentence.

Problem 2: Under the date details column on the right side, he selected "Museums and Galleries" for Category. Oh, silly me! You meant "How about we...see paintings and sculptures of lobster rolls."

Problem 3: He answered "My first date with a woman" for "A story you should remind me to tell you." Was this a recent thing? Did you just switch over to dating women? This is a tad ambiguous for my taste. I personally would rather hear your story about your first date with a man and then go to the Top Shop sale.

Problem 4: He answered "Celin Dion" for "My first concert." See problem 3.

Problem 5: He answered "Dunno yet" for "My dream concert.” Does this mean you have no dreams and/or you don’t listen to music? Do you have a soul?

Problem 6: He answered “Just me myself and I” for “What I would bring to show and tell.” First of all, you are referring to yourself as a ‘what.’ Does this mean that you are a robot or alien life form created or sent from above to torture all of humanity one puckered lip at a time?

Problem 7: He answered “Inner beauty” for “An infatuation of mine.” See profile photo. Sure, dude, and that’s why you posted a shirtless photo of yourself that looks like a 1993 Village Voice personals ad.

I could go on and on, but I’ll just let Online Dating Doosh sum it up for you (email below was sent to my friend, not me)

Polite. Doosh.

If, in the courtship phase, you find yourself sending thoughtful presents in the mail, talking on the phone daily, and making special trips to see your significant other and there is no intention of maintaining these efforts, then you are setting a binding precedent that will doom you in the end. My advice, "Polite Doosh," is you better just stop before your lady figures it out on her own and see if you still stand a chance. Those small things are not "being polite" but are...uh...required.

Doosh in the Closet

I found this article on CNN.com today. To quote a good friend of mine, "ridickles." This guy is most certainly a doosh. Doosh in the closet.

The Killer Doosh

So, my friend M went on a date recently that was one of the best (as in worst) ones I've heard in a while. If I was a paleontologist this was my T-Rex. M was set up with a rare species of Doosh; one that I cannot label using existing nomenclature. Hummmm? This brilliant discovery is worthy of a new name...introducing...The Killer Doosh.

Killer Doosh [kil-er doooooooooooo-sh]

-noun

1. A person who goes in for the kill at the end of the night who manages to kill everything else up until that point.

The definition pretty much sums it up, but from M's perspective, this guy was quite the opposite of the chivalrous Italian man that makes women swoon. He shows up late, talks too much about himself, stares at the check for 10 minutes, asks my friend if she can pitch-in, amongst a mountain of other atrocities. And, after all of that, he goes in for "the kill" two times, propositions sex (which M decidedly declines) and leaves her on the street corner in the middle of the night. We've all said it. All together now...WHAT A DOOSH!

Dooshquest Top 10 2010

I have been lackadaisical in my dooshquest efforts lately, but have no fear, I've been doing recon work along the way. I have casually dated, hooked-up, fallen in love, revisited old flames, and gotten over someone all in one year.

How could all of that happen, and yet I am still as single as it f*cking gets? **Sign** Eh, who really gives a rats ass, right? To each his own.

Speaking of "to each HIS own," let's reflect on the behaviors of these men who have come and gone from my life over the last 12-months. Truthfully, I've never wanted to use this blog to bash the men with whom I spend my life -- regardless of how flippant or serious the relationship. So with that in mind, it's all in good fun, and here's my Top 10 list of the dooshiest behaviors (that I can recall). Love you guys!

10. Flirt with another woman when you are two feet away from me.

9. Continue to snooze in MY bed as I leave for work.

8. Get way more drunk than me on the first date.

7. Suggest bathroom sex as positive alternative to bunk beds/roommates.

6. Show me photos of your mom and ex-girlfriend on the first date.

5. Insist I visit you in a foreign country, and then bail once I purchase my flight.

4. Think that exhaustion spawned by a 24-hour poker game is a legit excuse for breaking a date.

3. Say good-bye via text message and move to another country.

2. Own Crocs.

1. Speak Spanish as a first language.

Discretionary Doosh

The following was submitted by my close friend, Grande ChiChis. It is the perfect example of how certain dooshes (no matter what) test the waters to see if they still got it. I know there is nothing wrong with checking out the opposite sex, but please, I ask, "Can we do it with discretion?"

This doosh behavior happened on Friday afternoon in mid-town Manhattan:

Today I was at the deli, and this hot 30-ish guy walks up nexts to me, looks me up and down, gives me a coy smile, and I smile back.

Then this [other] guy walks up to him and says "heyyyyy mannnn!!!!!!!!! Congrats, DUDE! I heard you got engaged this weekend!!!"

Me: "F*CKING PERFECT!" and I walked off...