dooshquest

It's a doosh-off!

2011-01-31T09:57:00.000-08:00

"I'm pretty sure there's a lot more to life than being really, really, ridiculously good looking. And I plan on finding out what that is." Derek Zoolander

Photos via GQ.com.

$500,000 Doosh

2011-01-31T09:08:00.000-08:00

Excerpt from Ferris Beuller's Day Off:

Boy in Police Station (Sheen): Drugs?
Jeannie: Thank you, no. I'm straight.
Boy in Police Station: I meant, are you in here for drugs?
Jeannie: Why are you here?
Boy in Police Station: Drugs.

I am thinking of renaming the blog Charlie Sheen Quest considering the amount of resources we have on this guy. We haven't been able to report on the likes of Spencer Pratt, Bruno Mars, Randy Quaid, Andy Dick, OR Nicole 'Snooki' Polizzi in the last year due to the amount of dooshiness externalized by Sheen. As of today, RadarOnline.com reported that before he checked into rehab "Charlie Sheen spent more than $500,000 on escorts and drugs in the six months..." Phew! We don't have to change the name of the blog now, well, at least for another 3-months. "I just didn't believe I was like everybody else. I thought I was unique," said Sheen. Indeed!

Photo via shockya.com.

Plagiary Doosh

2011-01-31T08:45:00.000-08:00

Content is shared over the blogosphere time and time again, which is encouraged by buttons to "Share This," "Digg," and "Tweet" nearly every post and article on the web these days. Sharing and repurposing content is perfectly legit if sourced correctly, and no one should know that better than an editor of a authoritative, popular magazine. Gawker reported today that Dave Zinczenko of Men's Health plagiarized his own writers for his Yahoo! blog. Before I even read the article, I said, "all you have to do is Google the damn language and find the duplicates." In fact, that is exactly what the Gawker guys did.

Dave, are there no more new ideas out there? Or, are you just plain lazy? I certainly hope it's the latter. Check out more about this story on Gawker.com.

Teenage Hearthrob Dooshes

2010-10-08T09:18:00.000-07:00

I was home sick yesterday watching the VMA's on MTV.com, since I missed them in June. (I admit – I was desperate.) All of a sudden, Zac Efron pops onto the stage to present "Best Use of Hair Gel in an Action Film" (or something like that), and it occurred to me that Leto is Efron, Efron is Leto. Eek!

I will point out, although needlessly, both acted in shows about high school that were very different in circumstance. When I was an adolescent, I was getting a female boner for Jordan Catalano, the depressed, flannel wearing, loner, and 10 years later girls everywhere were singing and dancing for the happy-go-lucky, football player, Troy Bolton. They look exactly the same, but their characters were completely different. This makes me question, did I like Jordan Catalano because he was really hot, despite that fact that he was kind of a jerk face? And, would I have liked Troy Bolton because he was really hot, despite the fact that he was flamboyant and overzealous about show tunes?

Each gave middle-school ages girls a reason to get up in the morning and each have progressively gotten dooshier as they get older. Mr. Leto is the lead singer of a ridiculous band and wear’s more eyeliner than I do, while Mr. Efron is walking deeper and deeper into the closet with a roster of films that’s just waiting to be fulfilled my the next Nicholas Sparks movie. These guys couldn't be more different on paper, but all the while, they seem more and more the same. Is Justin Beiber next in line?

I think we might have a winner, folks!

Photos: list.co.uk, backseatcuddler.co, macuha.com,

Elmo Attacker Doosh

2010-09-28T09:44:00.000-07:00

The lovable, baby monster, Elmo, is getting a lot of press recently -- from being pulled from Sesame Street due to Katy Perry's revealing costume to getting attacked in a strip mall just yesterday. This agitated customer and alleged Elmo attacker needs to pick on someone his own age! As Elmo would say, "Elmo is three and a half." Here's what transpired on Sesame Street just before the attack.

Big Bird: Chief, What's The Red Furry thing at the top of the Ladder?
Chief Kirby: What red furry thing?
Gordon: [They find Elmo at the top of the ladder] Hey! Hey Elmo, How Did you get up there?
Elmo: Look Mr. Chief! Look Everybody! Elmo is a Firefighter!
Gordon: Elmo Get down from there now!
Elmo: Oh Jeeze.

Online Dating Doosh

2010-09-23T08:50:00.000-07:00

Okay, okay. I know that the title of the post is redundant, but I am on a dating site too, which proves (if you know me) that there are normal people that participate. But, this post is NOT about normal online dating, this post is about the ridiculousness that goes on in cyberspace and the ridiculousness of human beings looking for love. Let's take a gander at his profile, shall we?

Problem 1: His date proposal says "How about we...A Lobster rolls," which makes me ask, "how does one 'a lobster rolls'? Did you mean make lobster rolls, eat lobster rolls, roll in lobster rolls? Come on, buddy. You are already getting to ask a woman out anonymously via status update, you can take the time to form a complete sentence.

Problem 2: Under the date details column on the right side, he selected "Museums and Galleries" for Category. Oh, silly me! You meant "How about we...see paintings and sculptures of lobster rolls."

Problem 3: He answered "My first date with a woman" for "A story you should remind me to tell you." Was this a recent thing? Did you just switch over to dating women? This is a tad ambiguous for my taste. I personally would rather hear your story about your first date with a man and then go to the Top Shop sale.

Problem 4: He answered "Celin Dion" for "My first concert." See problem 3.

Problem 5: He answered "Dunno yet" for "My dream concert.” Does this mean you have no dreams and/or you don’t listen to music? Do you have a soul?

Problem 6: He answered “Just me myself and I” for “What I would bring to show and tell.” First of all, you are referring to yourself as a ‘what.’ Does this mean that you are a robot or alien life form created or sent from above to torture all of humanity one puckered lip at a time?

Problem 7: He answered “Inner beauty” for “An infatuation of mine.” See profile photo. Sure, dude, and that’s why you posted a shirtless photo of yourself that looks like a 1993 Village Voice personals ad.

I could go on and on, but I’ll just let Online Dating Doosh sum it up for you (email below was sent to my friend, not me)

Polite. Doosh.

2010-05-12T19:34:00.000-07:00

If, in the courtship phase, you find yourself sending thoughtful presents in the mail, talking on the phone daily, and making special trips to see your significant other and there is no intention of maintaining these efforts, then you are setting a binding precedent that will doom you in the end. My advice, "Polite Doosh," is you better just stop before your lady figures it out on her own and see if you still stand a chance. Those small things are not "being polite" but are...uh...required.

Doosh in the Closet

2010-05-12T19:07:00.000-07:00

I found this article on CNN.com today. To quote a good friend of mine, "ridickles." This guy is most certainly a doosh. Doosh in the closet.

The Killer Doosh

2010-04-17T05:51:00.000-07:00

So, my friend M went on a date recently that was one of the best (as in worst) ones I've heard in a while. If I was a paleontologist this was my T-Rex. M was set up with a rare species of Doosh; one that I cannot label using existing nomenclature. Hummmm? This brilliant discovery is worthy of a new name...introducing...The Killer Doosh.

Killer Doosh [kil-er doooooooooooo-sh]

-noun

1. A person who goes in for the kill at the end of the night who manages to kill everything else up until that point.

The definition pretty much sums it up, but from M's perspective, this guy was quite the opposite of the chivalrous Italian man that makes women swoon. He shows up late, talks too much about himself, stares at the check for 10 minutes, asks my friend if she can pitch-in, amongst a mountain of other atrocities. And, after all of that, he goes in for "the kill" two times, propositions sex (which M decidedly declines) and leaves her on the street corner in the middle of the night. We've all said it. All together now...WHAT A DOOSH!

Dooshquest Top 10 2010

2010-04-10T06:28:00.000-07:00

I have been lackadaisical in my dooshquest efforts lately, but have no fear, I've been doing recon work along the way. I have casually dated, hooked-up, fallen in love, revisited old flames, and gotten over someone all in one year.

How could all of that happen, and yet I am still as single as it f*cking gets? **Sign** Eh, who really gives a rats ass, right? To each his own.

Speaking of "to each HIS own," let's reflect on the behaviors of these men who have come and gone from my life over the last 12-months. Truthfully, I've never wanted to use this blog to bash the men with whom I spend my life -- regardless of how flippant or serious the relationship. So with that in mind, it's all in good fun, and here's my Top 10 list of the dooshiest behaviors (that I can recall). Love you guys!

10. Flirt with another woman when you are two feet away from me.

9. Continue to snooze in MY bed as I leave for work.

8. Get way more drunk than me on the first date.

7. Suggest bathroom sex as positive alternative to bunk beds/roommates.

6. Show me photos of your mom and ex-girlfriend on the first date.

5. Insist I visit you in a foreign country, and then bail once I purchase my flight.

4. Think that exhaustion spawned by a 24-hour poker game is a legit excuse for breaking a date.

3. Say good-bye via text message and move to another country.

2. Own Crocs.

1. Speak Spanish as a first language.

Discretionary Doosh

2010-04-10T05:25:00.000-07:00

The following was submitted by my close friend, Grande ChiChis. It is the perfect example of how certain dooshes (no matter what) test the waters to see if they still got it. I know there is nothing wrong with checking out the opposite sex, but please, I ask, "Can we do it with discretion?"

This doosh behavior happened on Friday afternoon in mid-town Manhattan:

Today I was at the deli, and this hot 30-ish guy walks up nexts to me, looks me up and down, gives me a coy smile, and I smile back.

Then this [other] guy walks up to him and says "heyyyyy mannnn!!!!!!!!! Congrats, DUDE! I heard you got engaged this weekend!!!"

Me: "F*CKING PERFECT!" and I walked off...

Facebook Ads are Dooshy

2010-03-30T11:26:00.000-07:00

the ultimate doosh

2010-01-24T05:57:00.000-08:00

It has got to be wyclef jean.

http://gawker.com/5455019/wyclef-jean-demanded-a-100000-fee-to-appear-at-a-fundraiser-for-his-own-hometown?skyline=true&s=i

Condom Education for ALL

2009-11-17T14:21:00.000-08:00

So, you know how when you go and try on a bra in Victoria Secret, the sales lady always pesters you about having the right size. “Do you want me to come in and measure you-- just to make sure? It’s free!” Usually, I am really not feeling it and I have a pretty good sense of what works and what doesn’t, but I bring this up, because there should be a similar sort of program set-up for men purchasing condoms.

Apparently, a lot of men are incapable of figuring it out themselves and buy ones that are either too small (lucky gents) or too big (so sad). I know that a lot of condom purchases are more on the fly – but I get the impression there is a serious lack of education among men in this country.

The fact that a woman has to tell you if YOUR condom fits makes absolutely no sense to me. Maybe it’s not a fitting before you buy necessarily, as that could get a little weird. But, maybe it’s some sort of virtual webinar explaining size, shape, and whatever else a guy should know so that sh*t stays put. Bottom line, it is about the safety of both parties or multiple parties in some cases. I am starting a movement as of today, probs after I eat dinner, that will demand more condom education in public schools. After all, saying, "Oh f*ck" right after blowing your load really kills the mood.

Santa is a Doosh

2009-11-17T14:13:00.000-08:00

As usual people are prematurely jazzed about the holidays; therefore, I say, "Santa is a Doosh...and so is Frosty!"

Details.com Daily Douchebag

2009-11-10T08:47:00.000-08:00

Loyal followers, I thought I'd refer you to the newly launched Details.com for more Doosh mayhem (except the Editors over there actually spell it correctly.) I think the more the word Douchebag is used for investigative journalism the better. Thanks Details.com! Keep up the good work. Check it...

http://www.details.com/blogs/daily-details/daily-douchebag

America's 25 Douchiest Colleges from GQ.com

2009-11-10T08:31:00.000-08:00

I just wanted to pass along this article from GQ.com. I thought it was pretty funny, and am just glad my alma mater was not listed. Phew! Although, I am pretty sure that the photograph for the article is Oklahoma's very own Owen Field. But, who can tell? Honestly!

Off the Record Doosh

2009-09-14T18:59:00.001-07:00

Terry Moran, shut up, doosh

Cleveland is Dooshy

2009-06-23T09:54:00.000-07:00

DOOSH in a Can

2009-06-17T14:46:00.000-07:00

British Email Doosh

2009-06-15T15:06:00.000-07:00

This just in -- my friend was officially broken-up with over EMAIL today. I have heard horror stories like this before but mostly through Cosmo "Letters to the Editor" or something -- not in real life. Once upon a time, I was asked-out on email, which I thought was pretty lame, but I have never been dumped that way. My heart goes out to my friend, and I will be consoling her by drinking by her side and running through all of my favorite male bashing anecdotes to try and cheer her up.

Granted, this was a long distance relationship, but bottom line is, if you can’t dump someone in-person, the least you can do is give her a call. There is NO excuse other than maybe the doosh somehow manage to chop off his own balls. Sounds like my friend ordered-up a DOOSH-bag Supreme with extra cheese and stupidly flew all the way to England to pick it up. I guess this is a lessoned learned. Do not be fooled by their proper, gentlemanly accents. Those chaps from across the pond can be just as dooshy has the packs of mutts who run rampant on our streets.

This behavior is highly unacceptable and breaks the previously determined numbers on my DOOSHcale. I am going to have to rethink those values after this ridiculous incident. What a DOOSH!

Craigslist Doosh

2009-06-10T08:35:00.000-07:00

I have not been inspired in a while (surprisingly) to post to the quest that is doosh due to the fact that I was completely occupied by my apartment quest, which then transitioned into my pursuit for trash treasures and gently used furniture.

I recently responded to a bookshelf ad on Craigslist asking if I could come by and see it for myself. After not emailing back in an appropriate amount of time by Craigslist standards, I got the following dooshy response.

Craigslist Doosh:
"Do you want these items or not?"

I was immediately taken back by the rudeness and wanted to fire back with something equally as nasty, but I took the high road.

Laughkat:
“Sorry got held up tonight. Don't think I can make it by. Sorry for the inconvenience.”

I thought this to be enough, and I had absolutely no intention of seeing this bookshelf as a result; it was not worth it. I mean really? I think he was selling it for all of $50. This guy needed to take a chill pill.

Craigslist Doosh:
“No problem, but please reply only if you are serious. There are a lot of flakes on CL. It's like Match.com for merchandise. I am taking delivery of new furniture this week and would like to make some space here, so let me know if you're interested. As I said, I can help w/delivery if needed.”

Following this last clever remark, I thought, there is now way in hell I am letting this guy know where I live. Thanks for offering your services but knowing this guy has my email address is enough to make me want to sleep with a knife under my pillow.

http://newyork.craigslist.org/search/sss/mnh?query=knife

Not even title worthy

2009-02-13T12:55:00.000-08:00

Elevator Doosh II

2009-01-28T14:47:00.000-08:00

Getty Images

It is a commonly understood by most elevator patrons that upon entering and choosing your destination that you are supposed to blankly stare at the door (or floor) so as to not make anyone else on the elevator uncomfortable. And, if you do not follow this code, then you are a doosh. I understand that sometimes there are exceptions -- maybe you actually know someone else on the elevator and you can do a sort of demi-turn to chat softly with him/her. But never by any means is one supposed to directly face another elevator patron especially when you are one of only three in the thing. In this case, not only are you a doosh but a psycho. Talk about the best way to strike fear and anxiety in your colleagues on the way to lunch. This is not the time to go against the grain, choose your battles wisely, and face the gosh darn door.

Doosh Brain to Science

2009-01-28T14:27:00.000-08:00

Finally, we'll know if getting knocked in the head 5 million times in a lifetime is actually damaging. Thanks, Ted.

Rick Warren

2009-01-20T08:50:00.001-08:00

Doritos® for the Brain: Crying Doosh Tool

2009-01-19T09:42:00.000-08:00

VH1 TV Shows | Music Videos | Celebrity Photos | News & Gossip

The Snuggie Phenomenon

2009-01-16T08:45:00.000-08:00

It all started when I was back at the rent's house for Christmas vacation. I was watching some pointless reality TV show and there it was -- the Snuggie! I saw it again and again. I just couldn't get enough of that Snuggie. A week later, back in New York, I was telling my friends about the Snuggie, we went to the website and just like me, they were hooked! I came to the realization that I need a Snuggie. I don't think I can continue living without one. I did a bit of research and realized, I am not alone. Everybody loves the Snuggie -- the blanket with sleeves. F-ing genius.
www.getsnuggie.com

Going Out Swinging

2009-01-12T10:24:00.001-08:00

Dooshette

2009-01-12T08:41:00.000-08:00

This photo was found on Pacific Coast News Online. Heidi is well deserving of the first ever Dooshette to appear on dooshquest. She is an embarrassment to humanity. According to celebirty blogs, she got the Chanel logo painted on her nails, went shopping in Chanel shortly after, and CALLED paparazzi to come document it all. What a DOOSH! This girl needs to go away. She is completely worthless - along with her husband and his flesh colored beard. Gross.

Doritos® for the Brain

2009-01-11T19:08:00.000-08:00

A big thanks to VH1 for helping out dooshquest. I'll be sure to tune in to catch all of the progress (or lack there of).

Show synopsis from VH1.com: "Nine of the world's worst boyfriends (lying, cheating ego-maniacs) think they're competing for the title of "Mr. Awesome" - the search for America's biggest Alpha Male. In fact, they've been secretly enrolled by their girlfriends in "The Tool Academy" -- an institution dedicated to reforming difficult and obnoxious men and turning them into loving, caring boyfriends."

Texas Doosh(es) Bonus Round

2009-01-09T10:42:00.000-08:00

This just in...a Texas classic. Almost as cool as these two dooshes posing in their Tenny Lamas.

Love Line Doosh

2009-01-09T08:17:00.000-08:00

Women are often swayed by what is commonly referred to as “a line, ” but it’s not called “a line” until sincerity is lost.

Phrases such as “I had to get to know you, “we have this inexplicable energy,” “I felt something just walking by you,” etc. are acceptable if you have the balls to actually show something for it.

On the other hand, if you choose to say such things only as a tease or to get into someone’s pants, you have stepped into the ultimate realm of dooshdom. Trust me, any woman would rather have a guy say something like, “If your left leg was Thanksgiving and your right leg Christmas, can I visit you between the holidays?” than “I think you are my soul mate”.

I know you have some Rolodex of lines that you clearly picked up from watching too many chick flicks with your lame-ass girlfriend. Save yourself some trouble, Love Line Doosh, stay with her and quit using them on unsuspecting women who are just trying to live their lives as normally and soundly as possible.

I just have one more thing to say to anyone reading this blog. I love every bone in your body - especially mine.

Texas Doosh(es)

2008-12-31T10:15:00.001-08:00

We were all hanging out at 7th Haven in Fort Worth, TX, and the ladder was just too hard to resist.

Really Bad Tattoo Doosh

2008-12-31T10:10:00.001-08:00

I have to give props to TMZ for promoting the dooshiness. This fashion designer guy has his own LABEL on his back. Wow! That is all I have to say. You can check out more comments on the TMZ blog (which people actually read. www.TMZ.com

I had to...

2008-12-17T08:15:00.001-08:00

The doosh who stole X-mas

2008-12-16T07:13:00.000-08:00

I can personally relate to the fact that crime is high, as my apartment was burglarized a couple of weeks ago. Things are tight and it's affecting everyone. But, if you are going to rob something, the Salvation Army Kettle is not the thing. What? Do they have like 10 bucks in change? Oooooh! Exciting! You can't buy ANYTHING! Leave the kettle's and the kids alone doosh and get a job. And don't say there is not any left, my sister just got one at Jack In the Crack and is doing fine. Read more >> Real-Life Grinch Absconds With Salvation Army Kettles

Pyramid Scheme Doosh

2008-12-15T11:56:00.000-08:00

Ewwwww! And Bernard Madoff is really ugly. Boo to you rich ugly man! I hope you have a nice time in prison.

NY governor PISSED

2008-12-15T11:51:00.000-08:00

Burger King Dooshette

2008-12-02T12:25:00.000-08:00

You gotta hear the dooshiest 911 call ever.

Pennsylvania Road Kill

2008-12-01T13:50:00.000-08:00

It's certainly reassuring that even in these hard times, truck drivers still have a sense of humor when it comes to hauling human cargo. Dooshquest camera’s caught what seems like human remains when we were headed east on I-78. This puts new meaning to the phrase “road kill.” Poor doosh.

Mack Brown is a doosh

2008-12-01T08:29:00.001-08:00

Mack, you are such a big cry baby. It's always excuses with you -- you blubbering doosh. Yeah, maybe there needs to be some changes with this whole three way tie thing. But, someone has to go to the championship game, and when you slaughter the number two team in the nation that kinda helps. OU has its work cut out, and we still have to win the Big XII. So, take your cute little Longhorns to a BCS bowl and better luck next year. No matter what -- I think you are a doosh and always will. You can read Brown's full reaction here.

Black Friday Dooshes

2008-11-29T06:46:00.000-08:00

Come on people, really? This is sad -- I was honestly shocked to see this on the news yesterday. We're at the point where there is at least one Wal-Mart Black Friday incedent a year. It is just plain ridiculous someone has to die to save four bucks on a doll of a Disney kid star who's sleeping with her pedifile producer. I don't want to make light of this story as it's completely troublesome, and my heart goes out to the family of the deceased. Control yourselves! What a bunch of dooshes! Get more on the story Worker dies at Long Island Wal-Mart after being trampled in Black Friday stampede.

Dooshquest SI Style

2008-11-26T07:27:00.000-08:00

The Staten Island Mall has a bit of a dooshquest of its own. Go get 'em SI.

Spider Doosh

2008-11-25T13:44:00.000-08:00

Okay, so I saw the email about the guy trying to pay the utility company with his spider drawing, which is just plain genius, so clearly I would not put him on dooshquest. BUT, the guy who bought the spider on ebay for 15K is most definitely a doosh. (I hope I don't get sued for posting the infamous spider to this blog.)

Congrats to you Mr. Thorne. You've earned your 15 minutes along with 15K. I'd take that any day. Read more >> Spider minus a leg sells for thousands

Hills Doosh (sorry for the redundancy)

2008-11-25T10:05:00.000-08:00

I don't even know this dude's name, but I am sick of seeing him and his hair alone is enough to land supreme doosh status.

TTU Doosh on Dating

2008-11-25T10:01:00.000-08:00

Thanks Mike Leach. You are a bigger doosh than I thought. I hope you liked your Sooner spanking.

Online Dating Doosh

2008-11-19T12:09:00.001-08:00

Sorry.
Your application to join our match-making service has been rejected.

You failed question #14: 'What do you like most in a woman?'

'My Dick' was not an acceptable answer.

Doosh according to Urban Dictionary

2008-11-13T06:53:00.000-08:00

So, why do we spell "doosh" incorrectly on this blog? You can blame the founder and CEO for the obvious and premeditated misspelling, but it made me wonder if there was any chance that people were accepting this alternate spelling -- maybe due to our growing readership. HA! Anyway, I did a little digging and found "doosh" on UrbanDictionary.com. Many thanks to Mr. Takenocrap, maka697, and Mysterio for their fine contributions to the literary world and society as a whole. Here are the top three definitions of the word "doosh."

1. The blatant & incorrect spelling of the word douche.
After trying to sneak his way back to the message board under an assumed identity, everyone called the poser a doosh.
by Mr. Takenocrap Sep 13, 2004

2. A word looked on up urban dictionary by those who can't spell douche properly.
Go back and type in doosh.
by maka697 Nov 23, 2003

3. The wrong way to spell douche.
I am an idiot so I spell douche like this: d-o-o-s-h!
by Mysterio Apr 26, 2003

DoGooder Doosh

2008-11-12T11:50:00.000-08:00

DOOSH! I am so sick of this guy. Can he do anything WRONG? I never thought I'd be hating on the "Sexiest Man Alive" of 1995, but I had to do it. Mr. Pitt, just go raise your family, and quit torturing everyone with your perfection.

Full Caffeine Eclipse

2008-11-11T15:13:00.000-08:00

Commission Doosh

2008-11-11T11:19:00.000-08:00

Actual doosh email:
hey u forgot about me Laughkat :( when would be a good time for you to come down
Commission Doosh
Membership Advisor

Theoretical response:
I know it's my fault for coming into the gym in the first place. BUT -- if I don't contact you over the weekend when my parents are in town, I didn't forget about you, you're just not on the top of my list. The incessant email stalking has to STOP. I promise, you'll get your commission in the end. To show you there are no hard feelings, I'll give you free advertising on dooshquest* and book an appointment for tonight at 7.

*Too bad we only have four readers including contributors. Take that suckers!

Ukulele Doosh

2008-11-10T11:24:00.001-08:00

You might be a doosh if you can relate to any two of the following:

(1) You wear a Hawaiian shirt daily -- at work, at home, even out on the town.
(2) You play the ukulele.
(3) You only smoke from a pipe.
(4) You ask uninterested women to be your "arm candy."
(5) You live in Astoria for the sole purpose of picking up chicks in Manhattan by asking them if they want to share a cab home.
(6) You are a lurker with a heavy breathing problem.

Calendar Doosh

2008-11-10T10:14:00.001-08:00

If you are the busiest doosh in the world and you have to schedule a date a month in advance, please try to keep it or at least have the audacity to call and cancel. Really, we don't care about your level of commitment. We understand your priorities. And lastly, we probably have something better to do with our time anyways. Don't worry. Perhaps, we can get together some time over the next couple of years.

Pantsless Celebrity Doosh

2008-11-07T07:15:00.000-08:00

STEVE GUTTENBERG - EXCUSE ME!?! Where are your bleeping pants? And, I thought Dancing with the Stars was bad.

Virtual Doosh Technology

2008-11-06T06:56:00.000-08:00

I don't care if this was hard to do or if it's some kind of groundbreaking technology. CNN is now in the annals of TV news dooshiness for their Election Night 2008 holograms

Times Square Doosh

2008-11-04T10:16:00.000-08:00

Not only is he the Naked Cowboy, he voted for McCain.

Line Doosh

2008-11-03T07:38:00.000-08:00

I went to this party at a swanky hotel in midtown Manhattan for Halloween. Open bar was from like 9:00 to 10:30, but yet they kept us outside for the first 30 minutes. Kinda dooshy, but I think Bravo was filming the party, and they wanted to make it look like the hottest joint in town -- hardly. Fortunately enough for me, I met this doosh in line. Me and the girls were having a smoke, while awaiting details of whether or not we could get our asses upstairs. The guy rudely expresses his distaste for women who smoke -- out loud for all to hear. I decide to ignore and try to enjoy my cigarette. Minutes go by and the same doosh almost hocks a loogie on my roommates foot. I of course reply, "Ew, I hate guys that spit!" He didn't catch the reference and thought that I was hitting on him. I think he was partaking in all sort of LINES that evening. What a doosh!

Hickey Doosh

2008-10-29T14:39:00.000-07:00

If you are over the age of 18 and have been making out for a number of years, decades, milleniums -- whatever, you should know that it is ABSOLUTELY unacceptable to give someone a hickey. Kissing is great, hey, everybody does it, but try to control yourself and think about the other person for a second. Do you want to be the one wearing a turtleneck in the middle of July? I DON'T THINK SO!

Dooshquest Layoffs ?

2008-10-24T12:27:00.000-07:00

Fellow Dooshquesters, I would like to announce that I am officially back on the quest. After a seventh month hiatus - it is once again time for me to hit the ground running as a surveyer of Dooshery. I was distracted for personal reasons, but had the epiphany, “How can I deny my one true calling in life?”

With that said, coming back in a time of crisis had me a bit worried, honestly. With Dooshes losing their jobs left and right, will they be hiding out, making conservative decisions, and perusing Monster.com on Friday nights?

The answer is of course, no – silly me. As evidenced by the blog TheFoggyMonocle.com, Dooshes are unbridled in good times and in bad. The discovery of this site was unnerving and made me even more unsettled. I felt as if there was absolutely no job security in Doosh questing anymore. I asked, “With Dooshes so willingly publishing their antics online, where do I fit in?”

And then IT happened. All of my apprehensions of continuing on a journey to nowhere subsided, and my anxiety came to rest; I was blindsided by a flock of Dooshes last night in the West Village. I guess it helps when your friends have “Doosh bait” written across their foreheads. I am relieved in some ways – mainly that I still have a job but still a little scared in facing the ocean of Dooshes once again.

Lobbying Doosh (Oxymoron)

2008-09-23T18:56:00.001-07:00

Mr. Davis’s firm received the payments from the company, Freddie Mac, until it was taken over by the government this month along with Fannie Mae, the other big mortgage lender whose deteriorating finances helped precipitate the cascading problems on Wall Street, the people said.

Somebody Shut This Doosh Up

2008-09-08T09:20:00.001-07:00

I Didn't Wanna Do It

2008-04-28T12:20:00.000-07:00

RP -- that wasn't very nice of you saying that no one cared about my background on the call with Tery!

Office Elevator Doosh

2008-04-28T12:07:00.000-07:00

It’s always been taboo to date people from work because of the liability [especially now] of sexual harassment accusations and the complications of going through that whole shebang. So, everybody knows if you choose to dip into the office ink – keep it on the DL and save everyone a lot of grief. On that note, I recently heard a story that had to be documented as an ultimate example of dooshery in the workplace.

Inappropriate behaviors towards coworkers are rampant at the holiday party or happy hour gatherings [i.e. provocative dancing, excessive touching sans spouses, and even biting] BUT when this takes place at any point from 9 to 5, Monday to Friday one runs the risk of gaining doosh status. A coworker of mine [I’ll call her “Cleavage Kate” to protect the innocent] has been hit-on by the SAME colleague in the building ELEVATOR not once but TWICE now. I have coined him “Elevator Doosh” for the following reasons.

Broke the elevator code of awkward silence with awkward conversation [which is why the code exists in the first place]
Did not remember getting shot down the first time
Forced Kate to say “no, thanks for the offer…I have a boyfriend…leave me alone and never speak to me again!” before accepting rejection [4 comments total]
Hit on Kate when her friend was also in the elevator, thus:

Allowed a witness to his crime against the code(s)
Eliminated his chances with the friend
Eliminated his chances with any other hot chick on the 9th floor

[Running the risk of redundancy and not giving two sh*ts] Hit on a coworker in an elevator TWICE

Next time you find yourself uncomfortably staring at the floor in a crowded elevator be glad that Elevator Doosh is not lurking in the corner, with all the buttons pushed, waiting for everyone else to get off.

Demoralizing Doosh

2008-02-04T14:10:00.001-08:00

Never thought I'd do this...

2008-01-27T17:47:00.000-08:00

...and it sort of hurts. I guess after you've been smeared your entire career, you have no choice but to become an awful smearer. Kind of like abused children who become abusers themselves.

You know it's true

2008-01-13T14:39:00.001-08:00

Krautrock Doosh

2007-12-28T12:18:00.000-08:00

I was out of town on business before the holidays and as so many times before I stayed at a W Hotel. From the first time I ever stepped foot in one of those places I said, “the lobby is like you're the last one at the club when the music's still on, and they're just cleaning up the mess.” The one in San Francisco delivered just as they all do, but I had a noteworthy doosh encounter.

After a long day at the office, I decided to have a couple of drinks and retire for the night. In my attempt to get back up to my "Wonderful" room I met "Mean German Doosh" and his glittery shirt wearing friend. [His friend might have been a doosh too, but I have decided to be a bigger person and give him the benefit of the doubt. For those of you who'd vote doosh just from the fashion alone - you have to remember he was European, and they, by nature, dress a little fruity.]

So, Doosh and friend were in an open elevator, while my boss and I were trying to get upstairs. We pushed the up button as usual and after a couple of dings we headed in the elevator with the ambiguously gay duo. They apparently were perturbed by the fact that we jumped in their little scene. [We didn't realize we were disturbing anything.] Everybody was just trying to get upstairs.

There was another "DING" and some other peeps joined us in the elevator - making the occupancy total, 6 [under the maximum weight limit]. This is when the German doosh started mouthing off that he was German and German’s don’t tolerate others getting in the same elevator, while his black light responsive friend cackled at our expense.

My boss and I refused to be in such close proximity to Euro-trash doosh, so we pried open the door and dashed out of there while we still had the chance. I think some doosh-esque expletives were exchanged, but we came out alive, modestly irritated and largely entertained.

Much like the W Hotel chain itself, Doosh and ½ doosh were just trying a little too hard to be cool. Cue the Krautrock.

The Living Belushi is a Dooshi

2007-12-17T18:13:00.001-08:00

Cool product. Big Doosh.

2007-12-13T08:19:00.001-08:00

This is bit removed from the general dooshquest post, but I had to share some love for a new found product. I think it is awesome when you have stuff as a kid and are given the opportunity to enjoy it as an adult. I came upon this dooshtastic Web site nursing a hangover and checking up on icanhascheezburger.com. This is probably one of the first times I have ever clicked on a banner ad. I know how this stuff works. Not even a Google Gadget is going influence my next click! Well, until I saw this: ADULT FOOTED PJS: Are you ready to snuggle?

I am sorry. I couldn’t resist. It was something that I had to investigate further. Pajama City has a plethora of footed pajamas for the whole family – not to mention a selection of fabrics from flannel to velvet. The picture above is of the drop seat waffle knit, and according to the site, “Our Drop Seat Back Footy Pajamas (or ‘Trap Door’) allow you to practically live in these things!” Wow this guy’s such a doosh, but I kind of want to get some – just look at that smile.

More Naked Dooshes

2007-12-05T12:52:00.000-08:00

I am sorry people, but do guys not feel the need to wear clothing anymore? I think my favorite part of this report is that the female clerk said that she didn't call the police because these two naked dooshes were not hurting anyone or acting drunk..blah, blah, blah. This pair was on the look out for Skittles, soda, and donuts. Hello? Do you not know a stoner when you see one (or two in this case)? [Dude, man, love the hemp necklace.] Kidding aside, a little stoner never hurt anybody, so she probably made these gentlemen's night, or maybe they made hers. Take a look.

Ebenezer Doosh

2007-11-29T10:59:00.000-08:00

In the spirit of the holiday season, I thought I would share a friendly link of my fellow DooshQuest blogger. [I didn't realize he has such smooth moves] He probably regrets asking me to be a contributor and f*cking up his cleverly written blog. So this is my thanks. Take a look.

Ugly Naked Doosh

2007-11-29T08:41:00.000-08:00

There's nothing like hanging out with a doosh who's hanging out...take a look.

Scab Doosh

2007-11-28T15:48:00.000-08:00

Carson Daly, picket line crossing DOOOSH

Funny Because It's True

2007-11-22T05:59:00.001-08:00

Dooshiest Restaurant Cover-up

2007-11-21T12:04:00.001-08:00

I have lived by this for a long time, but this is just a prime example of some DOOSHY restaurant owner trying to save face. NEVER trust a sign that says "Closed for Renovations." See below, as reported by amNew York and the AP.

..."Certain conditions have been pointed out which require correcting and we are working quickly to be in 100 percent compliance with the Health Department's suggestions," said spokesman Joe Calderone.

"We will reopen as soon as possible."

The Health Department said an inspector had spotted a live mouse in the building, as well as mouse droppings, fruit flies, house flies and more than 100 live cockroaches...Officials shuttered the restaurant Wednesday night after it failed its second inspection in a month for the stunning presence of creepy critters.

"Both inspections revealed rodent and fly infestation and conditions conducive to pest infestation, including stagnant water in the basement," the department said..."Roaches mean having a problem for a long time that means that they knew they had a problem and they didn't take care of it right away," said Pallavi Sancy, 38, who was visiting from California. "I'm really glad I didn't eat here."

The Associated Press contributed to this story.

Beware of the Dooshini.

2007-11-19T18:19:00.000-08:00

This weekend I was guilty of what I call the “Houdini,” which today I learned was a nickname for something pertaining to human waste. [I guess that is a topic for another day and, in my opinion, another blog.] Even so, I’m going to stick with my name - “Houdini” a.k.a “an Irish goodbye.” Basically, it’s when a fellow party attendee vanishes with no “I’m out” no “see ‘ya later.” They leave you with a bunch of nothing and are on to the next thing whether it be a new bar/party or the toilet. [Few Houdinis are actually sober enough to remember.]

Everyone has a story related to the Houdini, but this type of behavior is innocent, really, and not to be taken personally. But what is it called with someone you’re dating pulls the same thing? I’ve got it – DOOSHINI. I don’t think this term is good enough to make it to Webster or even Wikipedia, but I do think I am on to something here. Any dude that is guilty of this disappearing act is definitely a DOOSH and probably has many more doosh qualities under his hat. Spread the word of the Dooshini and beware of his cunning nature - try not to be fooled by his bag o’tricks or that cute little bunny in his pants.

If you hear any of the following from your significant other – the Dooshini is near!

I’ve been on a bit of bender from rehab, and I’m trying to work things out.
I need some time to evaluate my life. It’s not you, it’s me.
You know my ex-girlfriend? We are just on a break.
Can I get that t-shirt back?
I have a wife.

For regular readers of this blog, this post is not to be viewed as “male bashing,” [that’s not what I’m about] but as an exemplification, hell, an education in dooshiness.

Ebony and Ivory

2007-11-09T09:29:00.000-08:00

The King of "Doosh"

Celebrity DUI-sh

2007-11-08T17:28:00.000-08:00

"I'm not drunk," Mickey Rourke reportedly told officers at the scene. “I didn't even drink that much."

How many times have I said that one? Give me a break, Mickey! The Hollywood star was pulled over on a SCOOTER - for God sakes. I mean, how dooshy do you have to be to accomplish something that lame? What was it, canary yellow? It would be one thing if he was caught speeding in a jacked-up Lincoln Navigator with some hoes in the back and “a white powdery substance” in his pocket that wasn’t his. But no, he was caught “swerving” down the street. DUI aside, his mug shot [a true declaration of dooshiness - the leathery skin, greasy hair, and reverse-Hitler with chinstrap facial monstrosity] made me really think, is this a requirement for a celebrity has been? My sources say yes, and the eight ball [no pun intended] reveals “It is decidedly so.” Well, there you have it folks. I say, "Take that smirk off yo' face DOOSH!"

Guinness Book of Dooshes

2007-10-25T15:47:00.000-07:00

This “Long Leg Hair” doosh is saving his 15 minutes of fame for the Guinness Book of World Records. He is conditioning, combing and protecting his mutant leg hair – which is now almost 5 inches long. I certainly hope he’s not trying to compensate for his length in other areas with this one. I’m not really impressed. Most people who find freakishly long items on their bodies that aren’t supposed to be there would take care of them – immediately. But no, this guy’s shooting for the record books. It was reported that if/when he wins the world record he will then remove the hair and hang next to his plastic god or whatever.

“…I’m not this monkey man with long hairs all over my body…it was just one strand,” said “Long Leg Hair” doosh a.k.a. Wes Pemberton in a recent CNN interview. Oh, okay Wes, since it’s just the one...I mean, come on!

Drug In-dooshed

2007-10-23T20:40:00.001-07:00

After a good ten minutes of staring into his beer, this "Paranoid Tweaking doosh" decided to leave the bar and his beer behind.

Lesson here is:

If you're too drugged-up to finish your beer and the only word you can utter is a bug-eyed "WHAT?" while feverishly snapping your head from side-to-side, please, STAY AT HOME or go play with the other druggies.

This is a real thumbs down in my book. After all, there are sober kids in China.

Dooshiest Celebrity Pimp Story

2007-10-23T19:52:00.001-07:00

James Lipton, host of "Inside the Actor's Studio" as a young man worked in Paris as a pimp >>

"This was when I was very very young, living in Paris, penniless, unable to get any kind of working permit... I had a friend who worked in what is called the Milieu, which is that world and she suggested to me one night, `Look, you'll be my mec... We would translate it perhaps... as pimp. We were earning our living together, this young woman and I, we made a rather good living, I must say."

And set up live sex shows for American Tourists >>

"I had to accompany my clientelle to the Rue Pigalle, which is where these things occurred. And then I'd take them up to the room and I had to remain there because they were very nervous, they were young Americans for the most part... and they didn't speak French."

DooshQuest gold

2007-10-19T08:34:00.000-07:00

Like Columbus landing at Plymouth Rock or Fleming discovering penicillin – fate was at hand last night as I happened upon DooshQuest gold at The Watering Hole’s Karaoke Night.

Dooshes convene on Thursday nights from across the globe to sing, crotch grab, dance and spit. I discovered a few rare and exotic breeds including, “Chicken-wing Eating Bearded doosh,” “Karaoke Def Leopard doosh,” “Shem doosh” and “Stuffed Parrot Wearing doosh.”

After last night’s observations, I will no longer use “doosh” so haphazardly. I found myself at the depth of sophistication but at the height of my quest. My previous definition of doosh, is laughable, at best. I realize there is certain level of dooshiness for which I must be eternally vigilant and from this day forth, my DooshQuest is going to be all the more - dooshy.

The Social Skin Graft

2007-10-18T17:58:00.001-07:00

Dada acosts Mark Zuckerberg at US Open

Client/Doosh

2007-10-18T13:27:00.000-07:00

---------------------
Steve - I know that you think this is my problem. I don't. I believe it's your problem. Not personally - your company's. I go to hundreds of websites in any given week, and this is the ONLY one which does this. That makes someone who is as analytical as I am believe that you need to be looking for a solution.
---------------------
Then I guess you have proven my point. You are not looking hard enough or taking me seriously!
I need to know who I should talk with who will.
---------------------
If you were taking me seriously, this would be fixed! This would not be happening on other computers here in the building or computers in my home, and the offices of our agents, etc. I cannot and will not believe that a "thorough

Too Obvious?

2007-10-18T13:26:00.001-07:00

John Mayer

Writers at Vanity Fair

2007-10-16T13:02:00.001-07:00

I guess I need to reduce my asshole footprint!
Or not - people who write for Vanity Fair are dooshbags!
- KW

Doggy-Doosh Love

2007-10-12T08:51:00.001-07:00

Le Doosh

2007-10-09T06:48:00.001-07:00

Chicago Doosh Example #3

2007-09-30T07:34:00.000-07:00

Billy Corgan. What a big, whiney, phoney doosh. I'm still baffled why anyone gave a shit about Smashing Bubkis. What a yucky man.

Chicago Doosh Example #2

2007-09-28T15:37:00.000-07:00

Peter Cetera (or was that Et Cetera?)

Chicago Doosh Example #1

2007-09-28T15:35:00.001-07:00

Steve Albini

Chicago White Males

2007-09-28T10:14:00.000-07:00

Can you feel the dooshiness from orbit? Black people in the Chicago area are cool -- but I'm baffled by the large amount of doosh bags in the white population. What is this phenomenon all about? We look forward to researching it and bringing you some results in the coming weeks.

Daddy Doosh w/Baby Air Guitar

2007-09-17T18:34:00.001-07:00

Parenting at it's dooshiest.

Dan Bejar

2007-09-13T11:23:00.000-07:00

Always the weakest link in the New Pornographers, Dan continues to get dooshier and dooshier with time. I think he is dragging the rest of the band down to his depths, as their 2 latest albums have been exercises in dooshdom. The band he fronts, Destroyer, are beyond dooshy. Dan Bejar = DOOSH.

MTV - also a doosh, or a collection of dooshes

2007-09-11T16:03:00.000-07:00

What does one call a plural doosh?

Anyway, I agree with Kanye West that MTV is a doosh. Brittney is a train wreck and letting her perform provided a nationwide unwanted visual image and was just plain mean. I'm as happy to laugh at someone as the next person, but hell, I can laugh at her when she is at her best.

Gary Glitter

2007-09-10T17:53:00.000-07:00

Not only is Gary Glitter a creepy convicted pedophile -- but he is also a doosh. Being at a corporate or sports event and having to endure his dooshy football chants is just wrong. Do the royalties from his douche bag songs go to victims of sex crimes? I hope so. What a doosh.

Who is the doosh?

2007-09-10T17:10:00.000-07:00

Welcome to the dooshquest blog! I'm Sal. We're looking forward to sharing our thoughts and collaborating with you on our noble quest to find out who is a doosh.